Apple cider vinegar

So, as I sit here watching "Modern Family," in my sexy bikini moomoo (a moomoo is a long oversized shirt that beckons others to wonder, is he/she wearing any unmentionables underneath that...which the answer is always, "nope.") and I started to think about all the weird stuff people do to make their appearance look effortless. I will expose a few of my secrets that I have tried out tonight, as I feel we should all be comfortable enough to talk about it. At least with the same sex.



Firs off: I went tanning today. No not spray tanning, which entails gettin neeked at the tanning salon, covering your hair with a shower cap, getting in a time machine looking device, getting sprayed with a FREEZING, stinky solution, then jumping out quickly afterwards to rub hand sanitizer on your palms and bottom of your feet (or else, god forbid, someone would know the tan was a scam!) then AVOIDING WATER LIKE THE PLAGUE for the next 4-6 hours. That is a process. Also, not what I chose today. I chose the cancer bed. In my defense, I started "spraying," as they call it on the streets, because I don't want to increase my chances of cancer. But I have a wedding in 10 days and I need a base tan! So after I upgraded my "level 3," bed that was included in my Groupon to a level 4&5 bed, the lady asks, "you don't burn easily, do you?" Um RUDE! THE FULL 10 MINUTES, TAN LADY! .... That of course was a big mistake, because all though most of my body can take 10 minutes, full blast of uv rays, my ASS, can not. Burnt. To. A. Crisp. To put it nicely.
So, as an ode to my burnt butt, I had to sit in apple cider vinegar in my bath tub, a nice homeopathic remedy. Now I smell like a bag f chips (you know, the salt and VINEGAR ones).
Looking through the other uses of ACV ( I bought 3 gallons of it, not realizing only 2 cups was needed for the bath), I found that it also can be used as a blemish reducer. I read that it is the "secret weapon," for Scarlett Johansen, so here I am with pure ACV all over my face.




Monday, I burnt the heck our of my forehead on my hairline with a curling iron, and my roommate has this amazing Chinese powder that helps speed up the recovery time for any skin ailments. It is a bright orange powder. In my hair. I am looking HOT right now. Not to mention I have heel cream and foot cream on my feet with my "lotion," socks on that no matter how much I wash them, have black on the bottom of them.





The end of this blog, that I will probably regret posting tomorrow, is that us girls have to stick together when it comes to beauty secrets. And if I can make my face look like Scarlet Johansen's, I will buy stock in Apple Cider Vinegar.


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Location:Golden-haired goddess lair.